My cousin died last year... Septemeber 24th... It killed me! I cant even explain to anyone what it felt like, that feeling of something so important being a ripped away from you and so many other people in less than a minute.. Not one day goes by where i dont think of him, or what if... He is like a brother to me, and i dont know how im going to ever get over this. I cant and i dont know how too...
I miss you Don... And if i could just hug you and tell u i love you one last time, it wouldnt even be enough... You were taken far to early, and its so hard to think about it... That phone call, exactly 3 hours before talking to you, plays over and over and over again in my head... I got to hear ur voice for the last time that day, im grateful for that... But at the same time, i wish i had a replay and a pause button...
If i could i would bring you back today... in a heartbeat. You are such a precious person, and i cant even explain to you how important you to so many people!!!!!!
I love you don...
Ash :)
Monday, May 23, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Song by Good Charlotte- Emotionaless
Hey dad
I’m writing to you
Not to tell you
That I still hate you
Just to ask you
How you feel
And how we fell apart
How this fell apart
Are you happy out there
In this great wide world
Do you think about your sons
Do you miss your little girl
When you lay your head down
How do you sleep at night
Do you even wonder if we’re alright
But we’re alright
We’re alright
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not ok but we’re alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years
Learning how to survive
Now I’m writing just to let you know
I’m still alive
The days I spent
So cold, so hungry
Were full of hate
I was so angry
The scars run deep inside
This tattooed body
There’s things I’ll take
To my grave
But I’m ok
I’m ok
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not ok but we’re alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now I’m writing just to let you know
I’m still alive
And I’m still alive
Sometimes I forget
Yeah, and this time
I’ll admit that I miss you
Said I miss you
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not ok but we’re alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now I’m writing just to let you know
I’m still alive
And sometimes I forget
This time I’ll admit
That I miss you
I miss you
Hey dad
I’m writing to you
Not to tell you
That I still hate you
Just to ask you
How you feel
And how we fell apart
How this fell apart
Are you happy out there
In this great wide world
Do you think about your sons
Do you miss your little girl
When you lay your head down
How do you sleep at night
Do you even wonder if we’re alright
But we’re alright
We’re alright
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not ok but we’re alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years
Learning how to survive
Now I’m writing just to let you know
I’m still alive
The days I spent
So cold, so hungry
Were full of hate
I was so angry
The scars run deep inside
This tattooed body
There’s things I’ll take
To my grave
But I’m ok
I’m ok
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not ok but we’re alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now I’m writing just to let you know
I’m still alive
And I’m still alive
Sometimes I forget
Yeah, and this time
I’ll admit that I miss you
Said I miss you
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not ok but we’re alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now I’m writing just to let you know
I’m still alive
And sometimes I forget
This time I’ll admit
That I miss you
I miss you
Hey dad
**Wierd Feelings**
Ive been feeling so wierd lately, like so angry with everything. I dont know why, i feel like i want to scream really loud and then punch something as hard as i can. Thats not me, im soft and cuddly and i couldnt beat up an ant if i tried. I wish i could feel like me again. As the years go by i learn more and more who i am, what pushes me, what im capable of, who i can and cannot trust and what life is about.
Love doesnt exist to me, im not looking for it, but i look at people's relationships and friendships and so on and i just dont see it, im not judging the people, more the situation. Someone who read my blog told me that im brave for putting my feelings out there :) I cant say them, but give me a pen and paper and i will let you know whats on my mind and why. Id rather make fun of myself then tell you out loud what im feeling. Silly i know.
Maybe im angry cause i heard this song the other day, ill post it on here sometime, called Emotionaless. Its about a guy whose dad walked out on him. I miss my dad. I wont lie, it sucks not being able to talk to him or share something about my day with him or for him to share something with me. Since December he hasnt spoken to me. I organised something for him for christmas i emailed him to ask for his address and since then i havent received anything from him. I hate the fact that hes there, but not there if you know what i mean... My heart hurts so much because he doesnt want to be involved in my life, and im getting over it, believe me i have come a LONG way. And it has made me tougher, but its made me write off people that dont put a 100% into things, which is bad as well cause everyone is different, everyone does things differently to the way other people do. Thats a huge lesson im learning, not to jump the gun cause i think i know what someone is feeling or thinking. WE are all different. I suppose you realise that over time and years, yes you think it, but to actually realise it and understand it, is what counts.
Wow this post is so emotional, sorry guys, im just feeling sad today and what better way to let it out on here then to bore anyone with how im feeling... Dont get me wrong, im soooo grateful for everything in my life, but you get those days :(
ok im hungry now, the grumbling of my tummy is vibrating my brain!!!! And i got so much work.. Ive stopped complaining now. Its all out.. promise.. Oh my word, im so.... no just joking, its really all out now.. Until next time hehe....
Love doesnt exist to me, im not looking for it, but i look at people's relationships and friendships and so on and i just dont see it, im not judging the people, more the situation. Someone who read my blog told me that im brave for putting my feelings out there :) I cant say them, but give me a pen and paper and i will let you know whats on my mind and why. Id rather make fun of myself then tell you out loud what im feeling. Silly i know.
Maybe im angry cause i heard this song the other day, ill post it on here sometime, called Emotionaless. Its about a guy whose dad walked out on him. I miss my dad. I wont lie, it sucks not being able to talk to him or share something about my day with him or for him to share something with me. Since December he hasnt spoken to me. I organised something for him for christmas i emailed him to ask for his address and since then i havent received anything from him. I hate the fact that hes there, but not there if you know what i mean... My heart hurts so much because he doesnt want to be involved in my life, and im getting over it, believe me i have come a LONG way. And it has made me tougher, but its made me write off people that dont put a 100% into things, which is bad as well cause everyone is different, everyone does things differently to the way other people do. Thats a huge lesson im learning, not to jump the gun cause i think i know what someone is feeling or thinking. WE are all different. I suppose you realise that over time and years, yes you think it, but to actually realise it and understand it, is what counts.
Wow this post is so emotional, sorry guys, im just feeling sad today and what better way to let it out on here then to bore anyone with how im feeling... Dont get me wrong, im soooo grateful for everything in my life, but you get those days :(
ok im hungry now, the grumbling of my tummy is vibrating my brain!!!! And i got so much work.. Ive stopped complaining now. Its all out.. promise.. Oh my word, im so.... no just joking, its really all out now.. Until next time hehe....
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!!!!
Guys, hmmm... Why do guys do the things they do? You all want to act like you are untouchable, like nothing bothers you when in fact you have a million and one things running through your head at once. Guys are worse then girls, apparently.... Ive heard they over analyze things ten times more than we do?
Heres me for any guy that wants to know and doesnt, this is for you:
I love to laugh, and i smile alot, but just because i smile it doesnt mean that im ok. Im clumsy and may not know much general knowledge so when you talking about things i dont know of, dont think that im stupid, im a numbers person, give me a spreadsheet with a million mathamatical equations and i will work them out in no time. Im scared of the dark and i have this silly theory that when it thunders a tidal wave is going to come.... I hate it when people judge. Im fun and outgoing and i will never make you feel less than amazing. Im soft, i get hurt easily, i cry but i pick myself up and i learn from it. I love to sing and dance, and make fun of myslelf. Im serious but at the same time, im so chilled. My family is my world, dont ever mess with them, as sweet as i may seem, i can be the biggest bitch. Im wierd and not perfect at all. I break things alot, and i try to stay away from fancy things :) I have the weakest immune system, i get sick easily. I have asthma and a heart murmur. Im scared of needles but i have 2 tattoos and a belly ring. If i set my mind to something i usually 9 times out of 10 accomplish it. Im competitive and hard working, and i will bend over backwards for anyone. I usually get hurt this way. When something bothers me i tend to close up and pull away rather than talking about it. Im honest and funny and i take a while to be myself around you. Im not materialistic at all, im super sentimental and believe in fairies. I believe that age is just a number and that experience and what you've been through in life is really what makes you who you are. This is me, the good the bad and the truth. Im human....
Ive always in the past settled for a guy, ive decided to NEVER do that again!!!!
SO I have formed myself a little checklist when it comes to "potential" boyfriends/flings.
The list:
If you are out there, or potentially could be that way, then please send you're filled out application to me :)
Heres me for any guy that wants to know and doesnt, this is for you:
I love to laugh, and i smile alot, but just because i smile it doesnt mean that im ok. Im clumsy and may not know much general knowledge so when you talking about things i dont know of, dont think that im stupid, im a numbers person, give me a spreadsheet with a million mathamatical equations and i will work them out in no time. Im scared of the dark and i have this silly theory that when it thunders a tidal wave is going to come.... I hate it when people judge. Im fun and outgoing and i will never make you feel less than amazing. Im soft, i get hurt easily, i cry but i pick myself up and i learn from it. I love to sing and dance, and make fun of myslelf. Im serious but at the same time, im so chilled. My family is my world, dont ever mess with them, as sweet as i may seem, i can be the biggest bitch. Im wierd and not perfect at all. I break things alot, and i try to stay away from fancy things :) I have the weakest immune system, i get sick easily. I have asthma and a heart murmur. Im scared of needles but i have 2 tattoos and a belly ring. If i set my mind to something i usually 9 times out of 10 accomplish it. Im competitive and hard working, and i will bend over backwards for anyone. I usually get hurt this way. When something bothers me i tend to close up and pull away rather than talking about it. Im honest and funny and i take a while to be myself around you. Im not materialistic at all, im super sentimental and believe in fairies. I believe that age is just a number and that experience and what you've been through in life is really what makes you who you are. This is me, the good the bad and the truth. Im human....
Ive always in the past settled for a guy, ive decided to NEVER do that again!!!!
SO I have formed myself a little checklist when it comes to "potential" boyfriends/flings.
The list:
- 3 or more years older than me
- Tall
- motivated
- non-dramatic
- fun and funny
- family orientated
- MUST WANT OWN SPACE
- eyes must 'tell a story'
- affectionate
- loving
- strong, cos i like beating my boys up.. haha just joking
- really gentle
- soft
- interesting
- fantastic and awesome and amazing all put into one.
- must take things slow
- must not only want one thing, if so youre out of luck buddy!
If you are out there, or potentially could be that way, then please send you're filled out application to me :)
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Being sick in 2011!!!!
Im feeling so sorry for myself today! I cant believe that this is the 5th time this year that i have been sick :( Thats once a month so far!
January:
I was dieting quite hectically and kept on getting dizzy spells and fainted a few times. My blood pressure was too high and my sugar levels werent doing to well either! (too low)
Februaury:
I got pharyngitis an infection that starts with flu and tonsilitus but then moves down your throat and infects your pharynx!
March:
I got bit by a big ass spider and got so sick from the poison, got blood poisoning and it was very painful!!!
April:
I got severe tonsilitus, almost ended up in hospital from my temps and thats when the doctor decided my tonsils need to come out, which is going to happen in the next 2 months!!!
May:
I got flu the other day!!!!!!!!! Just when i got better the flu bug decided to come and attack me..
To: ALL SICKNESSES
Please leave me alone, i have never done anything to you. Im healthy and active and wash my hands ALOT!
So please leave me to be, i have not been to gym in a month because of you, restricting my kfc eating :( Im now grumpy and have withdrawal sypmtoms and i feel so shit...
Kind Regards,
Ash
January:
I was dieting quite hectically and kept on getting dizzy spells and fainted a few times. My blood pressure was too high and my sugar levels werent doing to well either! (too low)
Februaury:
I got pharyngitis an infection that starts with flu and tonsilitus but then moves down your throat and infects your pharynx!
March:
I got bit by a big ass spider and got so sick from the poison, got blood poisoning and it was very painful!!!
April:
I got severe tonsilitus, almost ended up in hospital from my temps and thats when the doctor decided my tonsils need to come out, which is going to happen in the next 2 months!!!
May:
I got flu the other day!!!!!!!!! Just when i got better the flu bug decided to come and attack me..
To: ALL SICKNESSES
Please leave me alone, i have never done anything to you. Im healthy and active and wash my hands ALOT!
So please leave me to be, i have not been to gym in a month because of you, restricting my kfc eating :( Im now grumpy and have withdrawal sypmtoms and i feel so shit...
Kind Regards,
Ash
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