**Wierd Feelings**

Ive been feeling so wierd lately, like so angry with everything. I dont know why, i feel like i want to scream really loud and then punch something as hard as i can. Thats not me, im soft and cuddly and i couldnt beat up an ant if i tried. I wish i could feel like me again. As the years go by i learn more and more who i am, what pushes me, what im capable of, who i can and cannot trust and what life is about.

Love doesnt exist to me, im not looking for it, but i look at people's relationships and friendships and so on and i just dont see it, im not judging the people, more the situation. Someone who read my blog told me that im brave for putting my feelings out there :) I cant say them, but give me a pen and paper and i will let you know whats on my mind and why. Id rather make fun of myself then tell you out loud what im feeling. Silly i know.

Maybe im angry cause i heard this song the other day, ill post it on here sometime, called Emotionaless. Its about a guy whose dad walked out on him. I miss my dad. I wont lie, it sucks not being able to talk to him or share something about my day with him or for him to share something with me. Since December he hasnt spoken to me. I organised something for him for christmas i emailed him to ask for his address and since then i havent received anything from him. I hate the fact that hes there, but not there if you know what i mean... My heart hurts so much because he doesnt want to be involved in my life, and im getting over it, believe me i have come a LONG way. And it has made me tougher, but its made me write off people that dont put a 100% into things, which is bad as well cause everyone is different, everyone does things differently to the way other people do. Thats a huge lesson im learning, not to jump the gun cause i think i know what someone is feeling or thinking. WE are all different. I suppose you realise that over time and years, yes you think it, but to actually realise it and understand it, is what counts.

Wow this post is so emotional, sorry guys, im just feeling sad today and what better way to let it out on here then to bore anyone with how im feeling... Dont get me wrong, im soooo grateful for everything in my life, but you get those days :(

ok im hungry now, the grumbling of my tummy is vibrating my brain!!!! And i got so much work.. Ive stopped complaining now. Its all out.. promise.. Oh my word, im so.... no just joking, its really all out now.. Until next time hehe....

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!!!!

Guys, hmmm... Why do guys do the things they do? You all want to act like you are untouchable, like nothing bothers you when in fact you have a million and one things running through your head at once. Guys are worse then girls, apparently.... Ive heard they over analyze things ten times more than we do?

Heres me for any guy that wants to know and doesnt, this is for you:

I love to laugh, and i smile alot, but just because i smile it doesnt mean that im ok. Im clumsy and may not know much general knowledge so when you talking about things i dont know of, dont think that im stupid, im a numbers person, give me a spreadsheet with a million mathamatical equations and i will work them out in no time. Im scared of the dark and i have this silly theory that when it thunders a tidal wave is going to come.... I hate it when people judge. Im fun and outgoing and i will never make you feel less than amazing. Im soft, i get hurt easily, i cry but i pick myself up and i learn from it. I love to sing and dance, and make fun of myslelf. Im serious but at the same time, im so chilled. My family is my world, dont ever mess with them, as sweet as i may seem, i can be the biggest bitch. Im wierd and not perfect at all. I break things alot, and i try to stay away from fancy things :) I have the weakest immune system, i get sick easily. I have asthma and a heart murmur. Im scared of needles but i have 2 tattoos and a belly ring. If i set my mind to something i usually 9 times out of 10 accomplish it. Im competitive and hard working, and i will bend over backwards for anyone. I usually get hurt this way. When something bothers me i tend to close up and pull away rather than talking about it. Im honest and funny and i take a while to be myself around you. Im not materialistic at all, im super sentimental and believe in fairies. I believe that age is just a number and that experience and what you've been through in life is really what makes you who you are. This is me, the good the bad and the truth. Im human....

Ive always in the past settled for a guy, ive decided to NEVER do that again!!!!

SO I have formed myself a little checklist when it comes to "potential" boyfriends/flings.

The list:

• 3 or more years older than me
• Tall
• motivated
• non-dramatic
• fun and funny
• family orientated
• MUST WANT OWN SPACE
• eyes must 'tell a story'
• affectionate
• loving
• strong, cos i like beating my boys up.. haha just joking
• really gentle
• soft
• interesting
• fantastic and awesome and amazing all put into one.
• must take things slow
• must not only want one thing, if so youre out of luck buddy!

What happened to the days where a guy was just himself around you, with no lies or barriers just himself. Someone who will just sms or call to tell you they thinking of you. Someone who says it how it is, who doesnt play games with your head and heart. Someone who isnt afraid to be scared of life or love, someone who can laugh at themselves, who isnt scared to make a fool of themselves, someone whos relaxed but works hard too.. What happened to guys who respect you and not treat you like you are lucky to have THEM? What happened to the guys that really paid attention to what you were saying, or sat down to listen to what you had to say instead of just talking about themselves. What happened to a guy that is perfect, but by being perfect, his imperfections made him that way. I want someone who is totally amazing and treats me like a queen as i would them a king...
If you are out there, or potentially could be that way, then please send you're filled out application to me :)

Being sick in 2011!!!!

Im feeling so sorry for myself today! I cant believe that this is the 5th time this year that i have been sick :(    Thats once a month so far!

January:

I was dieting quite hectically and kept on getting dizzy spells and fainted a few times. My blood pressure was too high and my sugar levels werent doing to well either! (too low)

Februaury:

I got pharyngitis an infection that starts with flu and tonsilitus but then moves down your throat and infects your pharynx!

March:

I got bit by a big ass spider and got so sick from the poison, got blood poisoning and it was very painful!!!

April:

I got severe tonsilitus, almost ended up in hospital from my temps and thats when the doctor decided my tonsils need to come out, which is going to happen in the next 2 months!!!

May:

I got flu the other day!!!!!!!!! Just when i got better the flu bug decided to come and attack me..

To: ALL SICKNESSES

Please leave me alone, i have never done anything to you. Im healthy and active and wash my hands ALOT!
So please leave me to be, i have not been to gym in a month because of you, restricting my kfc eating :( Im now grumpy and have withdrawal sypmtoms and i feel so shit...

Kind Regards,

Ash

Oats!!!!!!!!

Every morning i have a little packet of oats for breakfast. We have this love/hate relationship!!! They are messy little bitches. Not one morning will go past where i dont mess my oats somewhere.

Yesterday my cousin, Kelly, had the funniest thing happen to her. She was sitting at work eating oats when her boss walked in. He stood infront of her desk and kept on wiping his lip. So my cousin sticks her tongue out and thinks theres something there and licks her lips. So her boss takes his finger and scratches the right side of his lip. By this time she cant effing find the piece of oats that is stuck on her lip. Eventually she finds it with her boss laughing and her blushing. Bright spark over here (me) is laughing my head off at her, thinking how on earth can you not feel it! When little did i know it was my turn the next day!

I got to work this morning and made my oats. Everyone had come into work by this time, so i had a full office. I sat all quietly fighting with my packet of oats cause they wouldnt open, when i finally tore the packet open swearing at it, it spilt everywhere, so i calmly picked it all up off the counter and applied the 10 second rule (pretty gross i know), got it safely in my bowl and waited for the kettle to boil, then the water came gushing out splashing all over my shirt and half the oats were out the bowl AGAIN, so i checked around to make sure that no one was watching me and AGAIN applied the 10 second rule :)

Finally i was back at my desk enjoying my mess up of a breakfast. Eating away, i finished my whole bowl and took it to the kitchen. On the way back to my desk i stopped in the accountants office for a little chat, her and her clients all sitting nicely staring at me with wierd expressions on their faces, I just thought i looked nice today or something!?

So i wondered off back to my desk, one of the clients came in to collect some things, once again looking at me like an effing wierdo. BUT i carried on working, a sales man came past trying to sell me something with his eyes fixed on my chin, so starting to feel a bit uneasy i went to the bathroom to find, im not lying, like a spoooooon full of oats on my face!!!!!!!!!! seriously, why did no one just tell me! It must have looked so gross!! So if any of you that saw it on me and forgot to mention that i had half of Europe on my face, IT WAS NOT A SIF SORE or some type of disease. It was oats!

So oats, thank you for fulling my tummy in the mornings... BUT i hate you, that is all.....

My brother, my best friend!

Okay sooo, i phoned my brother the other day to see how things were and he was quite disappointed with his 'about brands' section in my first blog, so heres a post just for him!!!!

When my mom and my step dad met, Brands and i hated eachother. He used to tease me so much and i couldnt stand that. On my 7th birthday i had all my friends over with a jumping castle and he told everyone that i scratched my bum :) hey! when you 7 thats a big thing! So anyway we didnt get along at all.

We moved to Cape town shortly after that, just my step dad, mom and myself. I hadnt seen Brands in a while, when him and Dazz came to visit us for the school holidays. I had (just before they came) stitches in my foot and couldnt walk. When they arrived Brands was all awesome and grown up, he carried me EVERYWHERE on his back and helped me alot that holiday, that was when our "bond" was formed.

We ended up moving back to Scottburgh where brands moved in with us and this was just too amazing for me, having my big brother there, who was now a cop! I mean what teenage girl doesnt want that, no one gave me shit. Every heartbreak or bad day, he was there to cheer me up, take me driving, pay for my gym and hunt down any guy that hurt his "little sister". He went from my big brother to my best biggest brother and bestfriend!

As i got older the more closer we got. Thats when the sneaking out started. Brands was the getaway car with me and a friend bolting for the car door as we went drinking and partying. Bad influence?? ;)
Then we moved to Australia and it killed me to think that i would be away from my big brother, my best friend was being taken away from me, who i went from seeing every single day to nothing at all. My other half was ripped away and its sucked!!!! Didnt stop us from chatting everyday though.

Then one day when everything was fine in Aus we got a phone call. My sister begged on the phone to phone back urgently. We called back and received the WORST news. My brother had been shot, and no one knew if he was going to make it. Hearing that news made me sick to my stomach, tears just flowed as i fell to the ground thinking that he was gone, now he was  really gone, not just in distance but in life. I cant even explain the things that go though your head or the feelings that you feel when someone that important to you is almost dead. We flew back from Aus the day after that to see my brother who hadnt said a word yet and was in ICU. I am proud to say that my brother is the strongest person i know. He made it through it all and has recovered so well.

SO Brands, i hope you're reading this. I just want you to know that you are so IMPORTANT to me. I support you 100% in life and i will never give up or think otherwise of you. You are amazing and awesome and cool all in one. I am so PROUD and HAPPY to be able to call you my brother! Love you big bro!!!!

Easter :) makes you feel like a kid again!!!!

Am i the only 19 year old (almost 20) that has my easter eggs hidden? I mean really who wouldnt want that? besides the new number you see the next day on the scale (that i could have sworn was less last week), its awesome!!! I feel like a kid again, the feeling of waking up early to go find all the millions of easter eggs that have been hidden in hard to find places with the joy gleaming from your parentals faces (they start getting more excited) while screaming "Your hot, really hot, ok EXTREMELY HOT, dam your cold again!!!".... While your on your knees under the tree that your dog wee'd against the other night and shat just next to the place where your dad hides your easter egg cause he thinks it will be funny, you think in your head "dam this is so cool, i wish i was a kid again!!!!!".

My point is, theres a time to be serious and responsible and boring and mature but sometimes you can be lame and childish and go play in the mud and watch cartoon network (and look for easter eggs) too. Life is short and way to intense to be a grown up all the time. I heard a saying that goes "Adults are just children with money".

I, personally, think that im going to be THEE coolest mom ever. Yes i will be strict and give smacks and have rules but in the same breath im going to get down and dirty and colour in, play in the mud and just enjoy my children. Just to let you all know, i already have three possible names for a boy and a girl (although i want a boy)... My future husband has no chance in getting first names maybe he can choose a second name, maybe....

P.S Im only planning on having kids in 8-10 years :) so breath now :)

Settling...

Why do people settle for things? I mean, when a girl meets a guy and finds a thousand things wrong with him in the first month, why do you still settle for him! I've settled in the past! For a guy that mentally and emotionally abused me! He pushed me around and hated when he was wrong!

So why did I stay? Have you ever had someone who broke your confidence so badly that you didn't know how to leave? Someone who would manipulate every situation but "the fight" wasn't worth it so you would just back down and accept it because settling was easy? I did that!! All the time, so now I'm just saying that my settling days are over!!

No man will ever tell me again how to live my life, and possibly my favourite saying: if u hit me,go to sleep... Cos I will bust out a pan on your head... Just saying :)